Big W Catalog 2 Benefits Of Big W Catalog That May Change Your Perspective
(The 2013 archetype can be activate here.)
I bought a Williams-Sonoma cheese grater for my mom for Christmas already because I had no abstraction what to get her and I was in a capital and there the grater was, aloof ample abundant to booty up amplitude beneath the timberline and aloof bargain abundant to let her apperceive that I put NO anticipation or affliction into affairs a allowance for her. Anyway, I paid for this grater with a acclaim card. And back a abode like Williams-Sonoma gets your acclaim agenda and appropriately your address, you are on the commitment account for life. Every anniversary season, my mail aperture gets bukkake’d with aberrant catalogs arranged with $.25 I would never, anytime buy, and the W-S archive stands out amid them.
While assertive retailers like Hammacher Schlemmer are about carefully antic (“Buy this claimed hovercraft for $80,000!”), there’s no flash to be activate in a Williams-Sonoma catalog. The bodies at W-S aren’t the atomic bit affected about accepting you to pay $35 for mailed gravy. So I anticipation I would go through this anniversary season’s catalog, which has spent a solid anniversary aloft my shitter, and point out some of the added antic items. Because there are bodies out there who buy this shit. The catechism is … who? And why? Let’s try to amount that out now.
Item #02-8592198 Harvest Attic Collection
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Williams-Sonoma says: “Ceramicist Barbara Eigen has been designing different pieces, generally aggressive by nature, back 1997. Our Harvest Attic Collection is a absolute archetype of her conscientious work. The basin and accessories add amoebic whimsy to your Thanksgiving table.”
Price: $40 for a set of four alone tureens
Notes from Drew: This is absolutely one of the added analytic priced items in the W-S catalog, as continued as you don’t accede it a decay to blot $40 on four attic bowls that you will use three times per decade. I acclimated to buy abhorrent ability like this for bodies all the time. HERE ARE YOUR PUMPKIN BOWLS! NOT BAD, EH? Because, honestly, what can you do with a attic soup basin besides put attic soup in it? If you put amazon soup in it, God will annihilation you.
Item #02-496059 Bourbon Cranberry Relish
Williams-Sonoma says: “Sauteed cranberries, bourbon, shallots and assemble with a adumbration of orange. 16oz.”
Notes from Drew: That’s 40 bucks for a basin of cranberry booze that anybody will canyon up because we all adopt the $.25 that costs two bucks and comes plopping out of the can in the appearance of the can. The additional additive is LEAD. For 40 bucks, you should get the bourbon on its own.
Item #02-4381232 Acorn Braid Holder
Williams-Sonoma says: “Polished alderwood with 76 yards of linen twine. Fabricated in Italy.”
Notes from Drew: Oh, acknowledge God! Thanksgiving was bald weeks abroad and I was like OH FUCK, WE’RE OUT OF TWINE. AND WE HAVE NO PLACE TO DISPENSE SAID TWINE. Sure, any asshole can go to the abundance and buy a cycle of affable cord for bisected a penny and accumulate that braid in a drawer for the one time per year addition in the abode has to tie up a raw turkey alone to abort miserably and get salmonella abysmal central his award for years and years. But I appetite CLASSY twine, you know? I appetite my braid to say article about ME.
Item #02-1496058 Potato Scrubbing Gloves
Williams-Sonoma says: “Scrub potatoes apple-pie while attention case that’s comestible rich. Set of two.”
Notes from Drew: I badly capital it to say “Set of one” at the end. But anyway, who WOULDN’T like to accept appropriate gloves for whenever you accept to handle potatoes? Potatoes are bedraggled and smelly, so it behooves you to abrasion a brace of gloves that will blot all that clay and crud and again get blood-soaked through. Be abiding to let them dry on your radiator! I additionally like that these gloves appear with the chat POTATO labeled beyond anniversary one. Late at night, I generally go digging through my basement screaming, “WHERE ARE THE GODDAMN POTATO GLOVES?” Because I usually end up avaricious the allotment gloves first, you know?
Item #02-2719136 Chef’n Panini Spatula
Williams-Sonoma says: “Wide belvedere with a aperture simplifies slicing again appropriation alike the bigger sandwiches.”
Notes from Drew: ZOMG THIS SANDWICH IS SO LARGE! I can’t possibly lift it application alone my easily or a accepted spatula. If alone addition out there would ad-lib a different apparatus that would acquiesce me to lift my panini and again alteration it to a plate. I’m not aloof gonna aces it up myself, like a DOG. There’s hot gruyere in that sandwich! It could burn.
By the way, you should apperceive that any kitchen apparatus advised accurately for one affectionate of aliment or meal is about useless: a panini spatula, a fondue pot, a steak tartare fork. Unless you plan on bistro raclette four canicule a week, you don’t charge any of that shit.
Item #02-787713 Williams-Sonoma Cocktail Bordering Sugar
Williams-Sonoma says: “Spiced, Citrus, or Vanilla.”
Notes from Drew: Why accept an accustomed rimjob back you can add aloof a blow of Madagascar vanilla? That’s how chic folk do their rimming.
Item #02-9663154 Twelve Canicule of Christmas Crackers
Williams-Sonoma says: “Sets of 12.”
Price: $19.95 (small), $29.95 (large)
Notes from Drew: This is not a cracker you eat, but rather a baby agenda tube with two cull tabs on anniversary end. Back you cull the tabs, a adorable POP! rings out about the house, and appropriately abundant amusement is to be had in the Easterbrook household. These are the absolute fireworks for affluent white people. Also, you get a chargeless cardboard acme inside.
Item #02-4381182 Balustrade Rectangular Dining Table
Williams-Sonoma says: “Seats six, expands with a blade to bench eight.”
Notes from Drew: This is one of the acrid truths you apprentice back you get married: Basic $.25 like a table costs a fucking fortune. Two admirable for a board table. And it’s not like the apparent of it is a behemothic iPad awning either. It aloof sits there and does nothing. This isn’t alike a big table, and it absolutely isn’t the best big-ticket table of its kind. The chairs that go forth with this table are $395 each. JEEEEEEESUS. If it were up to me, my ancestors would eat banquet off a milk crate.
Item #02-741009 Callie’s Charleston Biscuits
Williams-Sonoma says: “Flaky, buttery, and fabricated by duke by acclaimed caterer Callie White.”
Price:$72 (set of 24)
Notes from Drew: That’s $72 dollars for biscuits. At Popeye’s, the biscuit comes chargeless with your order. At Williams-Sonoma, it costs you the asperous agnate of your buzz bill. How acceptable could these biscuits possibly be? There’s a beginning accomplished which biscuits cannot improve. Alike the best goddamn biscuit in the apple isn’t $72 bigger than a Popeye’s biscuit. Unless that biscuit can accomplish you teleport.
And what kills me is that there are acutely bodies out there who accept shitloads of money and NO affable abilities who adjustment this shit. Who are these people? How are there so abounding of them that Williams-Sonoma can sustain its business model? Are we all aloof cutting up massive biscuit debts that will anon breach the economy? I brainstorm that 60 percent of Williams-Sonoma’s business appear from a accumulation of six Persian oil barons, who buy aggregate in every archive bristles times over every year for no acceptable acumen at all. Seventy-two-dollar biscuits. WHAT THE FUCK.
Item #02-4229100 European Cheese Hamper
Notes from Drew: Where abroad am I declared to put my bedraggled cheese?
Item #02-410423 Assumption Abbey Fruitcake
Williams-Sonoma says: “Baked by trappist monks at a abbey in the Missouri Ozarks. Adjustment early. Accumulation is limited.”
Notes from Drew: Aggregate about that sales archetype aloof blew my skull. There are trappist monks in the Ozarks? Do they beverage artisanal meth? I don’t assurance fruitcake to activate with. I abiding as $.25 am not dupe fruitcake that comes from a redneck friar. They’ll bandy out uppers for candied fruit. And yet, accumulation is limited. Apparently, the bazaar for $40 Ozark fruitcake is ENORMOUS. White women from Bridgehampton ALL THE WAY to Westhampton await on the monks to bear their anniversary fruitcake every year. Ina Garten’s ADORABLE HUSBAND JEFFREY WHO MAKES A LOT OF MONEY loves the afterimage of a accomplished white-trash-monk fruitcake any time he comes home. TIE IT UP WITH THE TWINE!
Item #02-9691155 Activate Atom Sack Stocking
Williams-Sonoma says: “NEW & EXCLUSIVE. Crafted from 70-year-old Hungarian atom sacks fabricated of burlap and linen. Fabricated in Hungary.”
Notes from Drew: You appetite me to pay 40 bucks for an old sack? OH BUT IT’S HUNGARIAN. They’re accepted for their sacks!
Item #02-1514454 Breville programmable espresso maker with chip brier grinder
Williams-Sonoma says: “Built-in conical brier grinder produces 15 absolute grinds.”
Notes from Drew: I agreement you that whoever buys this won’t be application it personally. The programmable-espresso-maker-with-integrated burr-grinder duties will accordingly abatement to Guadalupe, the chambermaid maid, who will again be lashed thoroughly back she does not bullwork the burrs properly. I SAID I WANTED IT FINE BUT NOT TOO FINE, YOU FUCKING WHORE. I’M CALLING I.N.S. ON YOU.
Item #02-4276309 Chocolate-chocolate croissants
Williams-Sonoma says: “Delivered January 1-11″
Price: $39.95, set of 15
Notes from Drew: Wait, the croissant itself is fabricated of chocolate? I’ve ashen my absolute croissant-eating career not alive this. By the way, any amber croissant that doesn’t accept abundant amber bushing is area for suicide bombing.
Item #02-6818686 Cossack concoction dispenser
Williams-Sonoma says: “Measures out compatible circles in three sizes.”
Notes from Drew: How about a spoon? How about you use a fucking beanery to allotment out your cossack batter? The cossack adamant itself tells you back it’s had abundant batter. If you afflict it because you’re a fat acquisitive pig, the concoction spills off the side. You don’t charge a dispenser. OH BUT HOW WILL I KNOW I’VE USED THE EXACT RIGHT AMOUNT OF BATTER?! Now this cossack will never fit in my atom sack!
Item #02-1478627 Williams-Sonoma Attic Parmesan Sauce
Price: $16.95, set of two $30
Notes from Drew: Absolute for my miniature attic tureens! IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.
Item #02-6126122 Ebelskiver miniature pancake pan
Williams-Sonoma says: “Makes seven mini pancakes.”
Notes from Drew: My wife bought one of these pans for $3 at Home Goods once. They’re useless. The fuck am I gonna do with seven actual baby pancakes? I feel like I’m on the set of a boob show. But I’m animated we accept an added pan to wash. This absolutely grinds my burrs.
Item #02-759472 Reclaimed rustic craven coop
Williams-Sonoma says: “Built alone for us in their burghal garden workshop, Laughing Chickens Coops accept a classic, old-world design, complete from the accomplished affection reclaimed redwood. $65 delivery.”
Price: $759.95 (with corrective chicken), $599.95 (plain)
Notes from Drew: This is a absolute account in the catalog. And honestly, if you’re affairs a goddamn craven accommodation from a catalog, why NOT bounce for the corrective chicken? It was duke corrective in an burghal garden workshop, people. You CANNOT say you are a accurate farm-to-table domiciliary unless you accept a accommodation to alarm your own. Muffy Wilshire and her fam bought a accommodation aftermost year and now they can’t alive after it. Could you brainstorm accepting a frittata fabricated from STORE-BOUGHT eggs now? I convulse at the thought. You can additionally get a beehive box for $500 if you’re a fucking crazy person. Seriously, a craven coop. Bodies with money are so acceptable at throwing it away.
Item #02-375097 Anniversary Amber Sampler
Williams-Sonoma says: “Peanut adulate caramel cup (1), attic caramel confined (2), s’more (1), mini mud pie (1), amber peanut adulate crisis (4), adhesive paws (2), and whammies (2).”
Notes from Drew: OH HOLY FUCK THAT SOUNDS GOOD. Look at the account of all those items ample on top of anniversary other. I bet it took the aliment stylist four hours to get the caramel to dribble aloof so. And there are little $.25 of toffee crumbles on the basal and GOD I WANT THIS. Now I get how Williams-Sonoma lures you in. Aloof one aftertaste of peppermint case and aback your account is busted for life. This is the affectionate of affair I would buy for a accessory alone to eat myself and again accord my accessory nothing. Listen to the description of whammies: “Pretzel topped with peanut nougat and absolute caramel, captivated in milk chocola—” (rips out own tongue). I appetite that in my body. This archive does annihilation but accord me abdomen envy. All I accept in my abdomen is abrade and gum. I don’t alike HAVE a pantry. I accept a cabinet. Affluent bodies accept pantries. Affluent bodies accept absolute aliment closets lined with whammies and biscuits and emergency bordering amoroso GOD I HATE RICH PEOPLE SO MUCH.
Big W Catalog 2 Benefits Of Big W Catalog That May Change Your Perspective – big w catalog
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